Category Archives: Humor

Come and Relax In a Downtown Austin Hotel

By Bill Oakey

October 2, 2013

If you have friends or relatives who have not been to Austin lately, now would be a great time to invite them.  The Austin City Limits Festival runs for two weekends, beginning this Friday.

You should recommend a ten-day stay to your visitors.  The best downtown hotels are only charging $320.00 per night.  So, you could soak up some sun at the festival, which has very little shade, and relax in the hotel at night.  The room rate for the 10 night stay is only $3,200.00.

It is not too late to get a VIP pass for next weekend’s music fest.  This weekend is already sold out.  A VIP pass is only $1,050.00, so why not bring the entire family?  If you would rather enjoy platinum VIP passes, the kind folks at the festival will gladly accommodate you at 888-519-0382.  You will be pleased to know that I have already called to check on the pricing.  Platinum VIP passes are only $3,600.00 apiece.

To assist your friends and save them some time, I can advise you on the perks that come with each type of festival pass.  With the regular VIP pass, you get VIP parking, as long as you purchase a minimum of four passes, which comes to only $4,200.00.  The other perks include gourmet happy hours and air conditioned restrooms.

If you prefer the platinum VIP pass, you will enjoy flushable air conditioned restrooms, access to a VIP Lounge in a tent, plus on-site concierge service and highbrow seating.  A free shuttle from downtown is included, but parking is not mentioned in the offer.  These passes would be ideal for a family of four, since the total price would be only $14,400.00.

For your convenience, I have itemized the hotel and festival options below.  Keep in mind that single day festival tickets are not offered this year.  And since we’re talking about Austin, I assume that you would not be interested in any category below VIP status:

1. 10-Day Downtown Hotel Stay Plus 3 Day VIP Festival Pass

Single Person – Only $4,250.00

Couple – Only $5,300.00

Family of 4 With 2 Hotel Rooms – Only $10,600.00

2. 10-Day Downtown Hotel Stay Plus 3 Day Platinum VIP Festival Pass

Single Person – Only $6,800.00

Couple – Only $10,400.00

Family of 4 With 2 Hotel Rooms – Only $20,800.00

My sincere apologies for not getting this posting done soon enough for you to invite your friends to attend the festival for both weekends.  But you can ask them to mark their calendars for next year.  They can plan to bring a family of four to ACL Fest 2014, stay for 10 days and enjoy Platinum VIP passes for both weekends for only $32,000.00.  (Please be advised that this amount is based on 2013 rates and is subject to change).

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Time to Pause for a Third Laugh

Official Memo From the Austin City Manager

By Bill Oakey

September 9, 2013

Warning: Read this for entertainment purposes only.  Do not circulate among the bureaucrats at City Hall.  If you do, it will be implemented immediately as standard operational procedure.

To:  Those Designated, As Deemed Appropriate

From:  The Leadership Evaluation Facilitation Subcommittee

Through:  Balder Dash and Gobble D. Gook, Senior Coordinating Facilitators

Subject:  Subject to Change Without Notice

Date:  Within the Near Term Time Frame

—————————————————————————————————————————–

You have been pre-selected to participate as a planning member of the City Manager’s recently announced “Go Austin Go!” program (GAG).  You will be assigned to Milestone I and Milestone II.  The first is “Measured Utilization of Management Behavioral Objectives” (MUMBO), which will be followed by “Job Usefulness and Motivational Bio-therapeutic Outreach” (JUMBO).  White tablecloths and facilitators will be provided to help everyone get in touch with themselves.

These programs seek to provide real-time training solutions, with special emphasis on enhanced relationships with mission statements.  In Milestone I, managers will attend seminars to learn who they are in the modern working environment.  Executives will be given coping assessment drills, which will measure behavioral adjustments to changes in organizational buzzwords.

Milestone II is an innovative approach to task phase linkage and goal attainment.  In this module, you will be given an assignment and taught how to “not” get it done.  You will learn that “not doing” a job effectively can expand your thought base and de-escalate downtime.  The bio-therapeutic outreach will facilitate communication between administrators under stress and the lavish green plants in their offices.

The subcommittee has determined that JUMBO is more user-centric than MUMBO, so you will begin with Milestone II.  You actually began your training when you started reading this memo.  It hasn’t been released yet, so it must be kept strictly confidential.  With all assignments under JUMBO, you must “not do them” so well that no one will notice.  Thus, critical projects can be allowed to take place before they happen, to determine if they should be made official.  If it is later decided that you did not do what you did, you will be informed that you have been doing something else.

It is really quite simple.  You will be given a pretty, color-coded notebook with fancy charts for each linkage phase of the goal attainment grid.   Our consultants have assured us that these notebooks will only cost the taxpayers $16,000 each.

Should any external questions or concerns arise, acquaint yourself with the need to adhere to the following:

1. If it’s from the City Council, redirect it.

2. If it’s from the media, deflect it.

3. If it’s from a citizen, by all means, reject it.

In the event of an encounter with uncertainty, follow the guidance that applies to all City Management projects.  Delay or study it indefinitely until further notice, unless instructed otherwise.

-Facilitated By Bill Oakey

Time to Pause for Another Laugh

The Definition of a Figure

By Bill Oakey

September 4, 2013

In order to become proficient in the field of accounting, one must master the art of figuring out what a figure is.  Figures are everywhere.  They just don’t seem to ever go away.  Especially the ones we don’t like, the ones that don’t balance, and the ones that linger around too long and haunt us.

Just what exactly is a figure anyway, and what do accountants use them for?

That of course depends on where it came from, who came up with it, and what you are trying to prove with it at the time.  The best way to understand figures is to sort them into types first.  Here are a few:

1. Actual Figure – A figure that actually got where it is.  It may or may not belong there, but if you rub your eyes and look again and it’s still there, it’s an actual figure.

2. Pure Figure – A single figure that is pulled from a group of figures that everybody likes.  Not to be confused with true figures.

3. True Figure – A figure that appears to be correct, but in an embarrassing sort of way.  Nobody else in the office likes it.  Usually needs to be adjusted.  Not to be confused with correct figures.

4. Correct Figure – Any figure that balances to any other figure.  It is possible for either pure figures or true figures not to balance.  In that case, do not use them.  Always use correct figures, especially if they look familiar.

5. Familiar Figure – A figure that looks right because you remember seeing it somewhere else before.  Especially useful when trying to arrive at realistic figures.

6. Realistic Figure – A figure that comes out the way it is expected to.  Should always be used on official reports.

7. Accurate Figure – A figure that bothers you because you can’t find anything wrong with it.  Be extremely careful when using one, especially if it balances the first time you try.  It may or may not be a firm figure.

8. Firm Figure – A figure that you have to go with.  Either it is too late to change it, or its effect on the person sitting next to you hasn’t been discovered yet.

9. Perfect Figure – One that makes the boss happy.  Never question it.

10. Final Figure – The kind that we only see once in a lifetime.  We can all count on it.  It’s the one that’s assessed by our undertaker.  Even if it’s out of whack, we can rest assured that it will go away and never bother us again.

Dead Serious Note:  If you were considering settling into your final resting place in a City of Austin cemetery, you might want to do it before the end of September.  The friendly folks at City Hall are planning hefty fee increases for all cemetery services, effective October 1st.  Your final figure could be 30% more, or even higher, if you don’t act quickly to avoid letting their unaffordable policies follow you to your grave.  (For the complete list of cemetery fee increases, see www.austintexas.gov/edims/document.cfm?id=191684)

Time to Pause for a Laugh

Consumer Weather Bulletin

By Bill Oakey

August 28, 2013

Tax and utility rate increases from the mid teens to the upper twenties this fall, with freezing conditions expected for salaries and wages throughout Central Texas.

Ninety-eight percent chance of heavy precipitation extending from East Austin across the City, as tears begin streaming down the cheeks of low-income taxpayers.

Radar indicates a rising tide of continued cost spirals every year from an intense high pressure area developing over the Sea of Red Ink that engulfs City and County budgets.

A large hot air mass is expected to move into Central Texas next year as political election candidates attempt to cover the huge issue of fiscal responsibility with a thin layer of cloudy promises.