Official Memo From the Austin City Manager
By Bill Oakey
September 9, 2013
Warning: Read this for entertainment purposes only. Do not circulate among the bureaucrats at City Hall. If you do, it will be implemented immediately as standard operational procedure.
To: Those Designated, As Deemed Appropriate
From: The Leadership Evaluation Facilitation Subcommittee
Through: Balder Dash and Gobble D. Gook, Senior Coordinating Facilitators
Subject: Subject to Change Without Notice
Date: Within the Near Term Time Frame
You have been pre-selected to participate as a planning member of the City Manager’s recently announced “Go Austin Go!” program (GAG). You will be assigned to Milestone I and Milestone II. The first is “Measured Utilization of Management Behavioral Objectives” (MUMBO), which will be followed by “Job Usefulness and Motivational Bio-therapeutic Outreach” (JUMBO). White tablecloths and facilitators will be provided to help everyone get in touch with themselves.
These programs seek to provide real-time training solutions, with special emphasis on enhanced relationships with mission statements. In Milestone I, managers will attend seminars to learn who they are in the modern working environment. Executives will be given coping assessment drills, which will measure behavioral adjustments to changes in organizational buzzwords.
Milestone II is an innovative approach to task phase linkage and goal attainment. In this module, you will be given an assignment and taught how to “not” get it done. You will learn that “not doing” a job effectively can expand your thought base and de-escalate downtime. The bio-therapeutic outreach will facilitate communication between administrators under stress and the lavish green plants in their offices.
The subcommittee has determined that JUMBO is more user-centric than MUMBO, so you will begin with Milestone II. You actually began your training when you started reading this memo. It hasn’t been released yet, so it must be kept strictly confidential. With all assignments under JUMBO, you must “not do them” so well that no one will notice. Thus, critical projects can be allowed to take place before they happen, to determine if they should be made official. If it is later decided that you did not do what you did, you will be informed that you have been doing something else.
It is really quite simple. You will be given a pretty, color-coded notebook with fancy charts for each linkage phase of the goal attainment grid. Our consultants have assured us that these notebooks will only cost the taxpayers $16,000 each.
Should any external questions or concerns arise, acquaint yourself with the need to adhere to the following:
1. If it’s from the City Council, redirect it.
2. If it’s from the media, deflect it.
3. If it’s from a citizen, by all means, reject it.
In the event of an encounter with uncertainty, follow the guidance that applies to all City Management projects. Delay or study it indefinitely until further notice, unless instructed otherwise.
-Facilitated By Bill Oakey